I'm back and it was great. I took my laptop but as usual, I didn't' get to spend much time on it typing blogs. The good side of that is that I spent that time having fun with my family. So Below is what you get and if you would like more you need to type your questions in a comment and I'll do what I can.
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1:00 am Wed 28, May, Blackpool
Today has been a fun and interesting day. I really have to thank my mom for paying for this trip as I really needed a mental holiday from everything at home.
We are staying at Marton Mere, a caravan park just north of Blackpool, a UK equivalent to a cross between Ocean City and Kings Dominion. We've got a very nice caravan with a double and twin (2 small beds) bedroom a spacious, open plan, Kitchen, dinning, living room; including TV gas fire and microwave. I'm sleeping in a fold out bed in the living room. There's a decent pool complex, packed and the usual activities found in family holiday parks hidden in a large fun arcade complex.
Today, mom and I were up and chatting by 8:30. I tidied up my bed while mom sorted out breakfast. Then before I managed to sneak off for a shower (over an hour later, we were having a good time chatting) the kids were up so we had some fun playing together and sharing cuddles. David had been in bed with me following a restless night and then a bad nightmare sometime after daylight; so he was understandable cranky when he woke and needed a lot of attention. He wasn't very happy that I also cuddled Ruth and talked with Mom. Eventually I managed to get in a lovely shower, and after I got Dad up for breakfast. We all had a relaxed morning,tidied up and finally got moving by noon. We had a great time a the Sea Life Center, with the kids getting a short play in a climbing/play area at the end while we three pooped adults rested.
Monday, 2 June 2008
Sunday, 18 May 2008
My marriage
For some time I have been digesting the comments, mails and chats that I have had with numerous people about my marriage and relationship with G. I want to clarify several points and then respond to my brother's (Matt) comment, published on precious post.
For years, you have heard my complaints about G's inadaquecies or misconceptions of cleaning, his lack of interest in gardening and housework, etc...
Our disfunctional marriage is not a result of these, rather these issues merely aggravate me. The root of our problems is our relationship, husband and wife.
G works all day and that is important. His salary pays the bills, just as mine used to. I have actively supported him with his job to the best of my ability and knowledge. I also work all day, to the extent I am able. I have established our home and work to maintain that and our family. G contributes to this, some days better than others.
Matt's right and has helped me to see that I have poorly communicated my frustrations. G does do work around the house and in the garden. I often feel that he is not doing enough or he does the wrong things but he does NOT come home from work and laze around like some men do. There have frequently been times when G has only done the work I specifically tell him to or times when he has come to me to question me about nearly every aspect of running our family; when to eat, what to eat, what to give the kids, what to do with the kids, etc... We have, together, began to work on this and again G. is improving. Another problem that has annoyed me is his attitude to necessary jobs with the house, garden or children especially his only helping when I insist or his taking a very sulky attitude or worse a "we can't do it" attitude. Again we are now making headway on these issues.
Another important note is that both now and before we married, neither of us believed that the strict traditional roles of husband bringing home the bacon, and wife doing all the home and child rearing work were appropriate for our lives. When I worked as a teacher, Geoff cooked most of the meals b/c I always had another 10 hours of work do to each night, an impossible task while I generally gathered up all the trash and took it out. He did all the laundering while I was responsible for cleaning hobs, ovens, toilets, sinks, etc... Other jobs we did together. How well either or both of us finished these jobs, especially in a timely manor, have varied from very badly to great.
We both agreed, years before having children that once our first was born I would stop employed work and focus on our children instead. I always believed that with this I would pick up the majority of many household chores given my increased time at home. I looked forward to cooking most of the meals, a passion of mine, and envisioned myself making fresh bread several times a week, expanding into baking and increasing my reportoire of meals of all styles and cultures. I fully expected to take over most of the laundry as well as most of the tidiing and kitchen work.
While all of this will have an impact on a marriage I believe that the core of a marriage is the relationship between husband and wife; sexuality, intimacy, friendship, companionship, love, trust, openess are all contribute to this core connection between husband and wife. It's deeper and wider than the connection between friends. Sadly this is what is missing between us and the sorce of the majority of both our problems and my heartache and deep sadness. A sadness that I have instinctually hidden from all of you most of the time. Only G. has known about it. For reasons I wont go into here, G. shutdown his side of that connection the day after we married. I found out when and why he did this about 3 years ago. I've learned a bit more since.
I have always believed that a marriage takes two and that it needs daily maintaince and attention. We have both, from the begining to present made mistakes, hurt each other, miscommunicated ourselves etc... I have never believed that I was blameless nor faultness in this marriage but through the last 9 years I have tried to be open, be aware of my thoughts and actions, be aware of my impact on others, be honest with myself especially about my faults, to improve myself as a christian, wife and person. It took me a year to recognize that we had some major problems to resolve and I have tried everything I could think of to fix our problems. But it takes two...
I very much apologize to to all of you for my miscommunications and the confusion they have caused. I continue to find it difficult to clearly articulate the problems I have had in my life and marriage and I thank all of you, especially Matt, for your time and efforts to help me clarify my thoughts and expressions.
For years, you have heard my complaints about G's inadaquecies or misconceptions of cleaning, his lack of interest in gardening and housework, etc...
Our disfunctional marriage is not a result of these, rather these issues merely aggravate me. The root of our problems is our relationship, husband and wife.
G works all day and that is important. His salary pays the bills, just as mine used to. I have actively supported him with his job to the best of my ability and knowledge. I also work all day, to the extent I am able. I have established our home and work to maintain that and our family. G contributes to this, some days better than others.
Matt's right and has helped me to see that I have poorly communicated my frustrations. G does do work around the house and in the garden. I often feel that he is not doing enough or he does the wrong things but he does NOT come home from work and laze around like some men do. There have frequently been times when G has only done the work I specifically tell him to or times when he has come to me to question me about nearly every aspect of running our family; when to eat, what to eat, what to give the kids, what to do with the kids, etc... We have, together, began to work on this and again G. is improving. Another problem that has annoyed me is his attitude to necessary jobs with the house, garden or children especially his only helping when I insist or his taking a very sulky attitude or worse a "we can't do it" attitude. Again we are now making headway on these issues.
Another important note is that both now and before we married, neither of us believed that the strict traditional roles of husband bringing home the bacon, and wife doing all the home and child rearing work were appropriate for our lives. When I worked as a teacher, Geoff cooked most of the meals b/c I always had another 10 hours of work do to each night, an impossible task while I generally gathered up all the trash and took it out. He did all the laundering while I was responsible for cleaning hobs, ovens, toilets, sinks, etc... Other jobs we did together. How well either or both of us finished these jobs, especially in a timely manor, have varied from very badly to great.
We both agreed, years before having children that once our first was born I would stop employed work and focus on our children instead. I always believed that with this I would pick up the majority of many household chores given my increased time at home. I looked forward to cooking most of the meals, a passion of mine, and envisioned myself making fresh bread several times a week, expanding into baking and increasing my reportoire of meals of all styles and cultures. I fully expected to take over most of the laundry as well as most of the tidiing and kitchen work.
While all of this will have an impact on a marriage I believe that the core of a marriage is the relationship between husband and wife; sexuality, intimacy, friendship, companionship, love, trust, openess are all contribute to this core connection between husband and wife. It's deeper and wider than the connection between friends. Sadly this is what is missing between us and the sorce of the majority of both our problems and my heartache and deep sadness. A sadness that I have instinctually hidden from all of you most of the time. Only G. has known about it. For reasons I wont go into here, G. shutdown his side of that connection the day after we married. I found out when and why he did this about 3 years ago. I've learned a bit more since.
I have always believed that a marriage takes two and that it needs daily maintaince and attention. We have both, from the begining to present made mistakes, hurt each other, miscommunicated ourselves etc... I have never believed that I was blameless nor faultness in this marriage but through the last 9 years I have tried to be open, be aware of my thoughts and actions, be aware of my impact on others, be honest with myself especially about my faults, to improve myself as a christian, wife and person. It took me a year to recognize that we had some major problems to resolve and I have tried everything I could think of to fix our problems. But it takes two...
I very much apologize to to all of you for my miscommunications and the confusion they have caused. I continue to find it difficult to clearly articulate the problems I have had in my life and marriage and I thank all of you, especially Matt, for your time and efforts to help me clarify my thoughts and expressions.
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
I'm back
My laptop power cable plug was broken when a certain small child ran through and accidental pulled my laptop off my sewing desk. A replacement as obviously arrived and put me back in touch. Before that I'm afraid that illness and a few personal issues kept me from posting, although I have been throughout that time trying to contruct a few posts on different topics
God Bless!
Chris
God Bless!
Chris
Thoughts and Pictures That I want to never forgot
Playing with Sarah and the kids at Drigg Beach today, especially David standing at the edge of the waves in the knees bent, shoulders hunched over, big boy position saying, "Mommy, I'm peeing like a big boy" and Ruth very carefully running behind her brother and saying quieting to me, "it's ok Mommy, I'm making sure David wins" (David stops and has a screaming fit everytime someone else is winning)
Walking in ankle deep warm clear water and enjoying the sea and scenary there.
The God given peace that filled me during two conversations a week of so back, that would otherwise have been very stressful and emotional.
During our recent caravan holiday (Which I've been meaning to blog but simply havn't gotton around to, so I apologize) A fabulous shopping trip to a Tesco's extra with Kay. Excellent talking, joking and companionship. Kay, Geoff and I all making handrolled sushi for the first time from 1-3 am. Ruth, wearing arm bands, swimming the length of a pool for the first time. She was the very image of the turtle; plodding on one stroke at a time with a relaxed face that knew it would get there.
The wonderful times of just cuddling Ruth and/or David.
The whole day, night and following day of the birth of Ruth and of David, stories which I hope to record soon, before I forget anymore details.
My wedding day, from waking through the whole day.
Walking in ankle deep warm clear water and enjoying the sea and scenary there.
The God given peace that filled me during two conversations a week of so back, that would otherwise have been very stressful and emotional.
During our recent caravan holiday (Which I've been meaning to blog but simply havn't gotton around to, so I apologize) A fabulous shopping trip to a Tesco's extra with Kay. Excellent talking, joking and companionship. Kay, Geoff and I all making handrolled sushi for the first time from 1-3 am. Ruth, wearing arm bands, swimming the length of a pool for the first time. She was the very image of the turtle; plodding on one stroke at a time with a relaxed face that knew it would get there.
The wonderful times of just cuddling Ruth and/or David.
The whole day, night and following day of the birth of Ruth and of David, stories which I hope to record soon, before I forget anymore details.
My wedding day, from waking through the whole day.
Thursday, 17 April 2008
You are what you think... and then I vent it all out
You are what you think. A Unity Church phrase, favorite of great Aunt Gwen, Mother of "My cousin Chrissy" Dad's cousin really, but that is what I have always called her. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.
Wed morning she blessed me with a wonderful call and encouraged me to talk about my problems, specifically the marriage. She was and is wonderfully compassionate, a great listener and asked several good but difficult to answer questions. Then in the end she summarized the problems very succiently. I wish I could remember her words. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.
And I can write all these wonderful things about her, that would probably embarrass her to read, because I know she has no internet connection.
I wish that all of you were as open to me. I wish the world was a place were no one judged and everyone could just be open with each other and just talk. That we were all blessed with the wisdom and empathy to understand each other, and could ... well I can't even describe it but I'm frustrated of course. I try to be open to friends, to truly be honest with myself and listen and identify suggestions that I havn't tried, to follow appropriate options to fix problems. To discard "the chaff" and work with the true grains of wisdom. But most people, it seems, just throw everything back at me, it's my fault for ... whatever. Even Geoff does not understand this and has tried to talk to some of you about it, often to no avail. Nearly everyone insists that he works all day, he is a man, you can't expect him to ... Whether its packing his own clothes for a trip, be loving, cook a meal without specific directions or leave the kitchen in a usable state, He is a MAN and men can not be expected to do these things.
Obviously I disagree. We both made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, both before and after we got married. I spent months trying to ignore the blatant problems then years trying to talk to Geoff about them. I believe that a marriage should be a partnership, where each person has rights and responsibilities. Where each loves, cherishes and supports the other. Where each contribute to running the house, and "bringing in the bacon" does not equate to half of that work any more than cleaning does. I believe that any partnership will always have ups and downs, fights and making up, good times and bad. But through it all both must be actively involved if it is to work.
We've both had counseling, but that is no magic wand, only a guided process to help a person sort out their problems themselves. We've prayed on and off but not consistently.
I have done everything I could to stop the denigration of our marriage, I tried every approach possible from the standard to the extreme, talking, counseling, praying, begging, seducing, ignoring, waiting, leading, following and everything else I could think of. Geoff says he can not think of anything I should have tried or anything I could do now or could have done in the past. But here we are.
Wed morning she blessed me with a wonderful call and encouraged me to talk about my problems, specifically the marriage. She was and is wonderfully compassionate, a great listener and asked several good but difficult to answer questions. Then in the end she summarized the problems very succiently. I wish I could remember her words. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.
And I can write all these wonderful things about her, that would probably embarrass her to read, because I know she has no internet connection.
I wish that all of you were as open to me. I wish the world was a place were no one judged and everyone could just be open with each other and just talk. That we were all blessed with the wisdom and empathy to understand each other, and could ... well I can't even describe it but I'm frustrated of course. I try to be open to friends, to truly be honest with myself and listen and identify suggestions that I havn't tried, to follow appropriate options to fix problems. To discard "the chaff" and work with the true grains of wisdom. But most people, it seems, just throw everything back at me, it's my fault for ... whatever. Even Geoff does not understand this and has tried to talk to some of you about it, often to no avail. Nearly everyone insists that he works all day, he is a man, you can't expect him to ... Whether its packing his own clothes for a trip, be loving, cook a meal without specific directions or leave the kitchen in a usable state, He is a MAN and men can not be expected to do these things.
Obviously I disagree. We both made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, both before and after we got married. I spent months trying to ignore the blatant problems then years trying to talk to Geoff about them. I believe that a marriage should be a partnership, where each person has rights and responsibilities. Where each loves, cherishes and supports the other. Where each contribute to running the house, and "bringing in the bacon" does not equate to half of that work any more than cleaning does. I believe that any partnership will always have ups and downs, fights and making up, good times and bad. But through it all both must be actively involved if it is to work.
We've both had counseling, but that is no magic wand, only a guided process to help a person sort out their problems themselves. We've prayed on and off but not consistently.
I have done everything I could to stop the denigration of our marriage, I tried every approach possible from the standard to the extreme, talking, counseling, praying, begging, seducing, ignoring, waiting, leading, following and everything else I could think of. Geoff says he can not think of anything I should have tried or anything I could do now or could have done in the past. But here we are.
Sunday, 13 April 2008
We've just come back from church. It was a nice service in the children's liturgy and we went for coffee after. I had a lovely chat with a women I am barely aquainted with, but I'm trying to establish a ? reporie ? make friends, whatever the word is. She has twins a year older than DD,5 and a son a year younger. They had great fun running around and playing with our kids (BRB, Very tired son just weed on floor while reading a book) Then we took a nice walk through the Grotto. It was a lovely sunny day, the boys went ahead while we girls strolled along talking about God, the history of the grotto and Mary. Then G walked with the kids, who were tired of quiet voices while I slowly did the stations of the cross.
Why no blogging for so long? several reasons in no particular order; my health went down hill, I was busy with several ongoing chores (decorating, garden, kids, G, etc...), my marriage has collasped into nothing and I have no idea how to address this in life much less discuss it on blog, etc...
All prayers appreciated. God Bless! Chris
Why no blogging for so long? several reasons in no particular order; my health went down hill, I was busy with several ongoing chores (decorating, garden, kids, G, etc...), my marriage has collasped into nothing and I have no idea how to address this in life much less discuss it on blog, etc...
All prayers appreciated. God Bless! Chris
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Garden update
Well... It's certainly been a while, hasn't it. So what's up???
+++++++++++++ written last Saturday ++++++++++++++++
Today we worked out in the garden, ben dug over 3 beds I did numerous small jobs with breaks then took over the sawing. It's amazing the difference when you pull out the course cut heavy duty saw. G had been getting frustrated and kept yelling at the kids, especially DS,2 who kept wondering around the area the G was working in and just didn't get the idea that he wasn't allowed to play by his sandpit, where I had arranged the wood for G. So I moved in and gave him a break, swapped saws then, after getting the rthym of sawing, I invited the kids over gave them a demo then let them do a bit of sawing. DD,4 was very keen until I said I was going to let them help, then was scared and only came over to saw "by herself" when I said she had to. Mostly I figured it was a great chance for some good mommy/kiddie time. Then DD,4 declared (following a clever hint from Daddy) that she could help by sitting on the stud to hold it still for me. She was great help and we had a fun time sawing.
Later, she was a great help gathering tools while I gathered everything else during a light drizzle/hail downfall. Geoff was out, taking Ben back home and s,2 was napping, so it was just us playing and working. After G came back we settled DD,4 inside and he and I finished making the base frame to attatch the greenhouse to. The hail started before when finished so the packing up that DD,4 and I had done meant that we got in faster. Now we just need to level the ground, cover it with weedmat, level and cement the base in place before we can finish assembling the Greenhouse. I really hope we can do it.
++++++++++ the above was finished today as was the following ++++
Too tired to write more. Migraine for 24 hours now though the level of pain has one down. Will tr more later.
+++++++++++++ written last Saturday ++++++++++++++++
Today we worked out in the garden, ben dug over 3 beds I did numerous small jobs with breaks then took over the sawing. It's amazing the difference when you pull out the course cut heavy duty saw. G had been getting frustrated and kept yelling at the kids, especially DS,2 who kept wondering around the area the G was working in and just didn't get the idea that he wasn't allowed to play by his sandpit, where I had arranged the wood for G. So I moved in and gave him a break, swapped saws then, after getting the rthym of sawing, I invited the kids over gave them a demo then let them do a bit of sawing. DD,4 was very keen until I said I was going to let them help, then was scared and only came over to saw "by herself" when I said she had to. Mostly I figured it was a great chance for some good mommy/kiddie time. Then DD,4 declared (following a clever hint from Daddy) that she could help by sitting on the stud to hold it still for me. She was great help and we had a fun time sawing.
Later, she was a great help gathering tools while I gathered everything else during a light drizzle/hail downfall. Geoff was out, taking Ben back home and s,2 was napping, so it was just us playing and working. After G came back we settled DD,4 inside and he and I finished making the base frame to attatch the greenhouse to. The hail started before when finished so the packing up that DD,4 and I had done meant that we got in faster. Now we just need to level the ground, cover it with weedmat, level and cement the base in place before we can finish assembling the Greenhouse. I really hope we can do it.
++++++++++ the above was finished today as was the following ++++
Too tired to write more. Migraine for 24 hours now though the level of pain has one down. Will tr more later.
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