You are what you think... and then I vent it all out

You are what you think. A Unity Church phrase, favorite of great Aunt Gwen, Mother of "My cousin Chrissy" Dad's cousin really, but that is what I have always called her. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.

Wed morning she blessed me with a wonderful call and encouraged me to talk about my problems, specifically the marriage. She was and is wonderfully compassionate, a great listener and asked several good but difficult to answer questions. Then in the end she summarized the problems very succiently. I wish I could remember her words. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.

And I can write all these wonderful things about her, that would probably embarrass her to read, because I know she has no internet connection.

I wish that all of you were as open to me. I wish the world was a place were no one judged and everyone could just be open with each other and just talk. That we were all blessed with the wisdom and empathy to understand each other, and could ... well I can't even describe it but I'm frustrated of course. I try to be open to friends, to truly be honest with myself and listen and identify suggestions that I havn't tried, to follow appropriate options to fix problems. To discard "the chaff" and work with the true grains of wisdom. But most people, it seems, just throw everything back at me, it's my fault for ... whatever. Even Geoff does not understand this and has tried to talk to some of you about it, often to no avail. Nearly everyone insists that he works all day, he is a man, you can't expect him to ... Whether its packing his own clothes for a trip, be loving, cook a meal without specific directions or leave the kitchen in a usable state, He is a MAN and men can not be expected to do these things.

Obviously I disagree. We both made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, both before and after we got married. I spent months trying to ignore the blatant problems then years trying to talk to Geoff about them. I believe that a marriage should be a partnership, where each person has rights and responsibilities. Where each loves, cherishes and supports the other. Where each contribute to running the house, and "bringing in the bacon" does not equate to half of that work any more than cleaning does. I believe that any partnership will always have ups and downs, fights and making up, good times and bad. But through it all both must be actively involved if it is to work.

We've both had counseling, but that is no magic wand, only a guided process to help a person sort out their problems themselves. We've prayed on and off but not consistently.

I have done everything I could to stop the denigration of our marriage, I tried every approach possible from the standard to the extreme, talking, counseling, praying, begging, seducing, ignoring, waiting, leading, following and everything else I could think of. Geoff says he can not think of anything I should have tried or anything I could do now or could have done in the past. But here we are.

We've just come back from church. It was a nice service in the children's liturgy and we went for coffee after. I had a lovely chat with a women I am barely aquainted with, but I'm trying to establish a ? reporie ? make friends, whatever the word is. She has twins a year older than DD,5 and a son a year younger. They had great fun running around and playing with our kids (BRB, Very tired son just weed on floor while reading a book) Then we took a nice walk through the Grotto. It was a lovely sunny day, the boys went ahead while we girls strolled along talking about God, the history of the grotto and Mary. Then G walked with the kids, who were tired of quiet voices while I slowly did the stations of the cross.

Why no blogging for so long? several reasons in no particular order; my health went down hill, I was busy with several ongoing chores (decorating, garden, kids, G, etc...), my marriage has collasped into nothing and I have no idea how to address this in life much less discuss it on blog, etc...

All prayers appreciated. God Bless! Chris

Garden update

Well... It's certainly been a while, hasn't it. So what's up???

+++++++++++++ written last Saturday ++++++++++++++++

Today we worked out in the garden, ben dug over 3 beds I did numerous small jobs with breaks then took over the sawing. It's amazing the difference when you pull out the course cut heavy duty saw. G had been getting frustrated and kept yelling at the kids, especially DS,2 who kept wondering around the area the G was working in and just didn't get the idea that he wasn't allowed to play by his sandpit, where I had arranged the wood for G. So I moved in and gave him a break, swapped saws then, after getting the rthym of sawing, I invited the kids over gave them a demo then let them do a bit of sawing. DD,4 was very keen until I said I was going to let them help, then was scared and only came over to saw "by herself" when I said she had to. Mostly I figured it was a great chance for some good mommy/kiddie time. Then DD,4 declared (following a clever hint from Daddy) that she could help by sitting on the stud to hold it still for me. She was great help and we had a fun time sawing.
Later, she was a great help gathering tools while I gathered everything else during a light drizzle/hail downfall. Geoff was out, taking Ben back home and s,2 was napping, so it was just us playing and working. After G came back we settled DD,4 inside and he and I finished making the base frame to attatch the greenhouse to. The hail started before when finished so the packing up that DD,4 and I had done meant that we got in faster. Now we just need to level the ground, cover it with weedmat, level and cement the base in place before we can finish assembling the Greenhouse. I really hope we can do it.

++++++++++ the above was finished today as was the following ++++

Too tired to write more. Migraine for 24 hours now though the level of pain has one down. Will tr more later.