You are what you think. A Unity Church phrase, favorite of great Aunt Gwen, Mother of "My cousin Chrissy" Dad's cousin really, but that is what I have always called her. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.
Wed morning she blessed me with a wonderful call and encouraged me to talk about my problems, specifically the marriage. She was and is wonderfully compassionate, a great listener and asked several good but difficult to answer questions. Then in the end she summarized the problems very succiently. I wish I could remember her words. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.
And I can write all these wonderful things about her, that would probably embarrass her to read, because I know she has no internet connection.
I wish that all of you were as open to me. I wish the world was a place were no one judged and everyone could just be open with each other and just talk. That we were all blessed with the wisdom and empathy to understand each other, and could ... well I can't even describe it but I'm frustrated of course. I try to be open to friends, to truly be honest with myself and listen and identify suggestions that I havn't tried, to follow appropriate options to fix problems. To discard "the chaff" and work with the true grains of wisdom. But most people, it seems, just throw everything back at me, it's my fault for ... whatever. Even Geoff does not understand this and has tried to talk to some of you about it, often to no avail. Nearly everyone insists that he works all day, he is a man, you can't expect him to ... Whether its packing his own clothes for a trip, be loving, cook a meal without specific directions or leave the kitchen in a usable state, He is a MAN and men can not be expected to do these things.
Obviously I disagree. We both made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, both before and after we got married. I spent months trying to ignore the blatant problems then years trying to talk to Geoff about them. I believe that a marriage should be a partnership, where each person has rights and responsibilities. Where each loves, cherishes and supports the other. Where each contribute to running the house, and "bringing in the bacon" does not equate to half of that work any more than cleaning does. I believe that any partnership will always have ups and downs, fights and making up, good times and bad. But through it all both must be actively involved if it is to work.
We've both had counseling, but that is no magic wand, only a guided process to help a person sort out their problems themselves. We've prayed on and off but not consistently.
I have done everything I could to stop the denigration of our marriage, I tried every approach possible from the standard to the extreme, talking, counseling, praying, begging, seducing, ignoring, waiting, leading, following and everything else I could think of. Geoff says he can not think of anything I should have tried or anything I could do now or could have done in the past. But here we are.
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3 comments:
I do not envy your position. I also hope that I have never indicated any belief that Geoff being a man held some mythical sway over his responsibility. Bringing in the bacon has got to count for something, though it certainly doesn't count for everything.
I believe the point that People make to you is that you can't say he's doing nothing. You can say he isn't doing enough, or he isn't doing the right things, or he's always doing the wrong thing, but not that he's doing nothing.
So by way of comparison let's peer into my life. There are a lot of similarities. I bring in the bacon and Erin Stays home. Sure she works from home, but when we have 2 kids... well I'm not placing any bets. 6 days out of seven she does all of the shopping, all of the cooking and all of the cleaning. I've been in the house 2 months and I couldn't run the washing machine on a bet. She does the laundry ever day and folds it and puts in on my bed for me, which I will then complain about b/c she didn't put it away for me. That normally gets me punched.
It's not that I do nothing, I do have some regular responsibilities. I take out the trash, a job which I forget all the time. I pay the bills and deal with money, which I'm normally pretty good at. I do the dishes any night she cooks, and I cook about one night a week. When I do cook I'm so damn happy with my self that I think I deserve a medal.
Further more on the weekends I do what ever the hell she tells me too do and I do it with a smile. For my paltry amount of stuff I do, I still feel like I am a great husband and partner and pat my self on the back all the damn time.
So the comparison that I naturally make, fair or not, is if that's all I do, and I'm good, It seems like Geoff does more than that, and your constantly disappointed. Further more I would then Geoff would look at what other peoples wifes do, and what your able to do and he would be the one throughly disappointed.
That's the honest way I look at things. I imagine others see it the same way.
I am however not so naive as to not see the most important part of the picture. The one which you complain about the most and the part for which my heart goes out to you. You want Geoff to be your partner, and your teammate. To be there to tackle things with you. Not just that he would do more, but that you could rely on him. I think that is the only part where Geoff and I differ. I think Erin can rely on me. It's kinda funny though b/c the largest issue we've had in the years of our marriage is weather or not Erin feels like she can rely on me.
If she feels she can, life is good. If I drop the ball a couple of time and she loses faith in me, it can be a tough road. That's what drives me. As long as I can keep up Erin's faith in me then everything else just figures it self out.
How's that for some out of the blue honesty.
Love ya, Matt
Chris, you did not understand what I said and misconstrued it. You have not to my knowledge seen a psychologist. How can we work on our marriages (all people) if we do not first work on ourselves. We really need to talk at some point. I feel frustrated because I am not sure you hear me. Amy
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