My marriage

For some time I have been digesting the comments, mails and chats that I have had with numerous people about my marriage and relationship with G. I want to clarify several points and then respond to my brother's (Matt) comment, published on precious post.

For years, you have heard my complaints about G's inadaquecies or misconceptions of cleaning, his lack of interest in gardening and housework, etc...

Our disfunctional marriage is not a result of these, rather these issues merely aggravate me. The root of our problems is our relationship, husband and wife.

G works all day and that is important. His salary pays the bills, just as mine used to. I have actively supported him with his job to the best of my ability and knowledge. I also work all day, to the extent I am able. I have established our home and work to maintain that and our family. G contributes to this, some days better than others.

Matt's right and has helped me to see that I have poorly communicated my frustrations. G does do work around the house and in the garden. I often feel that he is not doing enough or he does the wrong things but he does NOT come home from work and laze around like some men do. There have frequently been times when G has only done the work I specifically tell him to or times when he has come to me to question me about nearly every aspect of running our family; when to eat, what to eat, what to give the kids, what to do with the kids, etc... We have, together, began to work on this and again G. is improving. Another problem that has annoyed me is his attitude to necessary jobs with the house, garden or children especially his only helping when I insist or his taking a very sulky attitude or worse a "we can't do it" attitude. Again we are now making headway on these issues.

Another important note is that both now and before we married, neither of us believed that the strict traditional roles of husband bringing home the bacon, and wife doing all the home and child rearing work were appropriate for our lives. When I worked as a teacher, Geoff cooked most of the meals b/c I always had another 10 hours of work do to each night, an impossible task while I generally gathered up all the trash and took it out. He did all the laundering while I was responsible for cleaning hobs, ovens, toilets, sinks, etc... Other jobs we did together. How well either or both of us finished these jobs, especially in a timely manor, have varied from very badly to great.

We both agreed, years before having children that once our first was born I would stop employed work and focus on our children instead. I always believed that with this I would pick up the majority of many household chores given my increased time at home. I looked forward to cooking most of the meals, a passion of mine, and envisioned myself making fresh bread several times a week, expanding into baking and increasing my reportoire of meals of all styles and cultures. I fully expected to take over most of the laundry as well as most of the tidiing and kitchen work.

While all of this will have an impact on a marriage I believe that the core of a marriage is the relationship between husband and wife; sexuality, intimacy, friendship, companionship, love, trust, openess are all contribute to this core connection between husband and wife. It's deeper and wider than the connection between friends. Sadly this is what is missing between us and the sorce of the majority of both our problems and my heartache and deep sadness. A sadness that I have instinctually hidden from all of you most of the time. Only G. has known about it. For reasons I wont go into here, G. shutdown his side of that connection the day after we married. I found out when and why he did this about 3 years ago. I've learned a bit more since.

I have always believed that a marriage takes two and that it needs daily maintaince and attention. We have both, from the begining to present made mistakes, hurt each other, miscommunicated ourselves etc... I have never believed that I was blameless nor faultness in this marriage but through the last 9 years I have tried to be open, be aware of my thoughts and actions, be aware of my impact on others, be honest with myself especially about my faults, to improve myself as a christian, wife and person. It took me a year to recognize that we had some major problems to resolve and I have tried everything I could think of to fix our problems. But it takes two...

I very much apologize to to all of you for my miscommunications and the confusion they have caused. I continue to find it difficult to clearly articulate the problems I have had in my life and marriage and I thank all of you, especially Matt, for your time and efforts to help me clarify my thoughts and expressions.