You are what you think. A Unity Church phrase, favorite of great Aunt Gwen, Mother of "My cousin Chrissy" Dad's cousin really, but that is what I have always called her. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.
Wed morning she blessed me with a wonderful call and encouraged me to talk about my problems, specifically the marriage. She was and is wonderfully compassionate, a great listener and asked several good but difficult to answer questions. Then in the end she summarized the problems very succiently. I wish I could remember her words. I am going to send some time mulling over what I think and what I am.
And I can write all these wonderful things about her, that would probably embarrass her to read, because I know she has no internet connection.
I wish that all of you were as open to me. I wish the world was a place were no one judged and everyone could just be open with each other and just talk. That we were all blessed with the wisdom and empathy to understand each other, and could ... well I can't even describe it but I'm frustrated of course. I try to be open to friends, to truly be honest with myself and listen and identify suggestions that I havn't tried, to follow appropriate options to fix problems. To discard "the chaff" and work with the true grains of wisdom. But most people, it seems, just throw everything back at me, it's my fault for ... whatever. Even Geoff does not understand this and has tried to talk to some of you about it, often to no avail. Nearly everyone insists that he works all day, he is a man, you can't expect him to ... Whether its packing his own clothes for a trip, be loving, cook a meal without specific directions or leave the kitchen in a usable state, He is a MAN and men can not be expected to do these things.
Obviously I disagree. We both made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, both before and after we got married. I spent months trying to ignore the blatant problems then years trying to talk to Geoff about them. I believe that a marriage should be a partnership, where each person has rights and responsibilities. Where each loves, cherishes and supports the other. Where each contribute to running the house, and "bringing in the bacon" does not equate to half of that work any more than cleaning does. I believe that any partnership will always have ups and downs, fights and making up, good times and bad. But through it all both must be actively involved if it is to work.
We've both had counseling, but that is no magic wand, only a guided process to help a person sort out their problems themselves. We've prayed on and off but not consistently.
I have done everything I could to stop the denigration of our marriage, I tried every approach possible from the standard to the extreme, talking, counseling, praying, begging, seducing, ignoring, waiting, leading, following and everything else I could think of. Geoff says he can not think of anything I should have tried or anything I could do now or could have done in the past. But here we are.
Thursday, 17 April 2008
Sunday, 13 April 2008
We've just come back from church. It was a nice service in the children's liturgy and we went for coffee after. I had a lovely chat with a women I am barely aquainted with, but I'm trying to establish a ? reporie ? make friends, whatever the word is. She has twins a year older than DD,5 and a son a year younger. They had great fun running around and playing with our kids (BRB, Very tired son just weed on floor while reading a book) Then we took a nice walk through the Grotto. It was a lovely sunny day, the boys went ahead while we girls strolled along talking about God, the history of the grotto and Mary. Then G walked with the kids, who were tired of quiet voices while I slowly did the stations of the cross.
Why no blogging for so long? several reasons in no particular order; my health went down hill, I was busy with several ongoing chores (decorating, garden, kids, G, etc...), my marriage has collasped into nothing and I have no idea how to address this in life much less discuss it on blog, etc...
All prayers appreciated. God Bless! Chris
Why no blogging for so long? several reasons in no particular order; my health went down hill, I was busy with several ongoing chores (decorating, garden, kids, G, etc...), my marriage has collasped into nothing and I have no idea how to address this in life much less discuss it on blog, etc...
All prayers appreciated. God Bless! Chris
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Garden update
Well... It's certainly been a while, hasn't it. So what's up???
+++++++++++++ written last Saturday ++++++++++++++++
Today we worked out in the garden, ben dug over 3 beds I did numerous small jobs with breaks then took over the sawing. It's amazing the difference when you pull out the course cut heavy duty saw. G had been getting frustrated and kept yelling at the kids, especially DS,2 who kept wondering around the area the G was working in and just didn't get the idea that he wasn't allowed to play by his sandpit, where I had arranged the wood for G. So I moved in and gave him a break, swapped saws then, after getting the rthym of sawing, I invited the kids over gave them a demo then let them do a bit of sawing. DD,4 was very keen until I said I was going to let them help, then was scared and only came over to saw "by herself" when I said she had to. Mostly I figured it was a great chance for some good mommy/kiddie time. Then DD,4 declared (following a clever hint from Daddy) that she could help by sitting on the stud to hold it still for me. She was great help and we had a fun time sawing.
Later, she was a great help gathering tools while I gathered everything else during a light drizzle/hail downfall. Geoff was out, taking Ben back home and s,2 was napping, so it was just us playing and working. After G came back we settled DD,4 inside and he and I finished making the base frame to attatch the greenhouse to. The hail started before when finished so the packing up that DD,4 and I had done meant that we got in faster. Now we just need to level the ground, cover it with weedmat, level and cement the base in place before we can finish assembling the Greenhouse. I really hope we can do it.
++++++++++ the above was finished today as was the following ++++
Too tired to write more. Migraine for 24 hours now though the level of pain has one down. Will tr more later.
+++++++++++++ written last Saturday ++++++++++++++++
Today we worked out in the garden, ben dug over 3 beds I did numerous small jobs with breaks then took over the sawing. It's amazing the difference when you pull out the course cut heavy duty saw. G had been getting frustrated and kept yelling at the kids, especially DS,2 who kept wondering around the area the G was working in and just didn't get the idea that he wasn't allowed to play by his sandpit, where I had arranged the wood for G. So I moved in and gave him a break, swapped saws then, after getting the rthym of sawing, I invited the kids over gave them a demo then let them do a bit of sawing. DD,4 was very keen until I said I was going to let them help, then was scared and only came over to saw "by herself" when I said she had to. Mostly I figured it was a great chance for some good mommy/kiddie time. Then DD,4 declared (following a clever hint from Daddy) that she could help by sitting on the stud to hold it still for me. She was great help and we had a fun time sawing.
Later, she was a great help gathering tools while I gathered everything else during a light drizzle/hail downfall. Geoff was out, taking Ben back home and s,2 was napping, so it was just us playing and working. After G came back we settled DD,4 inside and he and I finished making the base frame to attatch the greenhouse to. The hail started before when finished so the packing up that DD,4 and I had done meant that we got in faster. Now we just need to level the ground, cover it with weedmat, level and cement the base in place before we can finish assembling the Greenhouse. I really hope we can do it.
++++++++++ the above was finished today as was the following ++++
Too tired to write more. Migraine for 24 hours now though the level of pain has one down. Will tr more later.
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Friday, 7 March 2008
Four days later
What to say...
I thought about blogging yesterday, but after staring at the screen for five minutes without writing I gave it up.
The good: I actually slept well, 6-7 hours (wed night) which hasn't happened in ages, and I could move so I was doing some improve aerobics to Shania Twain while making the bed and tidiing around. Mostly moves from the exercise section of my Art & Relaxation class, focusing around a grapevine and reach that incorporated a Tai Chi Ankle loosener with added hip action.
I kept a good balance of work a bit rest a bit through the morning, doing up the shelves for my crafting materials, tidiing the kitchen, cleaning and re-assembleing
David's car seat and having a great webcam with my bro.
Ruth, my volunteer helper came over and we had a nice lunch, then she took David out on his bike while I tidied again and worked on the shelves.
Ben wasn't fast enough to say no yesterday :) so I picked him up and he gave me a hand with the kids, the kitchen and the garden. I planned 2 jobs and 1 backup, Ben insisted on a 30 min timer which was good for me and we dug over the raised bed and weeded it. Ruth didn't want to work on her patch, so I said "That's ok, say goodbye to your tomatoes" This led to a big cry then a nice talk and "we agreed" to do it together, and we got it cleaned up. Then I releveled the whole bed and raked it it all flat including Ruth's section. And lastly I planted a 2' row of french radishes and another of gladiator parsnips. I also threw some samuri (red) carrot seed down the middle of my winter onions thru the net keeping the birds off off them just to see what would happen. Literally, I just drizzled them over the net. Meanwhile Ben made a good start of attacking the old, baddly maintained strawberry bed.
Then, after 35-40 min :' ) I came we came in and started dinner with Ruth doing her HW. but after a bit, I pulled a pan out of the cupboard and knocked out a pair of stacked pyrex measuring jugs which smashed and scattered. It shocked me badly so that everything after was a bad struggle, and while I managed to actually make the meal, burnt but edible Welsh rarbitwith can of beans and goat vs diary with homemade tomato soup that I had already nearly finished, I then crashed while eating it. So G. who was off for his appointment and had to take Ben back had to help me get the kids upstairs where I rushed them through the night routine and into bed and was asleep myslef before 8pm
Unfortunatly I woke up at midnight and got no rest after that (thurs night) so this morning a major struggle with stiffness and pain. I forced myself up did a min. of tidiing fortunately had some breakfast, though I shared with a demanding DS,2 who had already eaten his and went downstairs. There I did a bit of work of the shelves then tried to rest for a bit which DS,2 didn't allow. Nothing bad, just the standard one thing after the other. Teresa then helped me just packed up and off to the steam room which made a huge difference
So after that I went for a bit of shopping since I had to return a large item and then went to crosby's for the best Fish & Chips in the area for some more soul refreshing then some more shopping at Wilks for the primer I need to finish the Living room. Unfortunately DS,2 was really misbehaving and after the corner, the apologizing and getting cuddles he fell asleep in the trolley so the poor dear had just been tired. I tried to finish quickly but ended up having to call Ann to pick up DD,4 as I wasn't going to be able to make it back in time. I had a sleeping David, a huge tub of bargin paint (and I have to return it b/c I got silk by mistake) plus a big bag of shopping to get back to the car. In the end I had to wake DS,2 and he cried the whole trip back to the car with me holding his hand and praising how good he was being every step of the way. And he did such a good job, I'm very proud of him. Further, he didn't fall back asleep in the car, which blew my mind.
If only DD,4 had been so good, but she whinned the whole trip home, got sat down to do HW with only water and plain bread for her snack with a lecture of what some children must do for food when she complained plain bread was horrible (she ate it though and later begged and got some of DS,2's PBJ from him) complained during most of HW and then G. got home and she was taken to her room for quiet time. After awhile and a chat with Daddy "good girl" returned and stayed for the rest of the night.
Sat Morning, 5 am
I just gave up sleeping and got dressed been very uncomfortable in bed, tossing and turning for the last 4-5 hours with intermittent sleep and then woke up from bad teaching dream at 4
I've gotten to do a bit of gardening, which has made me a bit happy. I planted up all my peppers in a seed tray last night, it's got a lid for a mini greenhouse effect plus some elephant garlic and a mini tray with 4 types of basil.
I'm actually kinda tired but afraid that if I try going back to bed I'll just toss and turn but having finished this I’m going to try.
I thought about blogging yesterday, but after staring at the screen for five minutes without writing I gave it up.
The good: I actually slept well, 6-7 hours (wed night) which hasn't happened in ages, and I could move so I was doing some improve aerobics to Shania Twain while making the bed and tidiing around. Mostly moves from the exercise section of my Art & Relaxation class, focusing around a grapevine and reach that incorporated a Tai Chi Ankle loosener with added hip action.
I kept a good balance of work a bit rest a bit through the morning, doing up the shelves for my crafting materials, tidiing the kitchen, cleaning and re-assembleing
David's car seat and having a great webcam with my bro.
Ruth, my volunteer helper came over and we had a nice lunch, then she took David out on his bike while I tidied again and worked on the shelves.
Ben wasn't fast enough to say no yesterday :) so I picked him up and he gave me a hand with the kids, the kitchen and the garden. I planned 2 jobs and 1 backup, Ben insisted on a 30 min timer which was good for me and we dug over the raised bed and weeded it. Ruth didn't want to work on her patch, so I said "That's ok, say goodbye to your tomatoes" This led to a big cry then a nice talk and "we agreed" to do it together, and we got it cleaned up. Then I releveled the whole bed and raked it it all flat including Ruth's section. And lastly I planted a 2' row of french radishes and another of gladiator parsnips. I also threw some samuri (red) carrot seed down the middle of my winter onions thru the net keeping the birds off off them just to see what would happen. Literally, I just drizzled them over the net. Meanwhile Ben made a good start of attacking the old, baddly maintained strawberry bed.
Then, after 35-40 min :' ) I came we came in and started dinner with Ruth doing her HW. but after a bit, I pulled a pan out of the cupboard and knocked out a pair of stacked pyrex measuring jugs which smashed and scattered. It shocked me badly so that everything after was a bad struggle, and while I managed to actually make the meal, burnt but edible Welsh rarbitwith can of beans and goat vs diary with homemade tomato soup that I had already nearly finished, I then crashed while eating it. So G. who was off for his appointment and had to take Ben back had to help me get the kids upstairs where I rushed them through the night routine and into bed and was asleep myslef before 8pm
Unfortunatly I woke up at midnight and got no rest after that (thurs night) so this morning a major struggle with stiffness and pain. I forced myself up did a min. of tidiing fortunately had some breakfast, though I shared with a demanding DS,2 who had already eaten his and went downstairs. There I did a bit of work of the shelves then tried to rest for a bit which DS,2 didn't allow. Nothing bad, just the standard one thing after the other. Teresa then helped me just packed up and off to the steam room which made a huge difference
So after that I went for a bit of shopping since I had to return a large item and then went to crosby's for the best Fish & Chips in the area for some more soul refreshing then some more shopping at Wilks for the primer I need to finish the Living room. Unfortunately DS,2 was really misbehaving and after the corner, the apologizing and getting cuddles he fell asleep in the trolley so the poor dear had just been tired. I tried to finish quickly but ended up having to call Ann to pick up DD,4 as I wasn't going to be able to make it back in time. I had a sleeping David, a huge tub of bargin paint (and I have to return it b/c I got silk by mistake) plus a big bag of shopping to get back to the car. In the end I had to wake DS,2 and he cried the whole trip back to the car with me holding his hand and praising how good he was being every step of the way. And he did such a good job, I'm very proud of him. Further, he didn't fall back asleep in the car, which blew my mind.
If only DD,4 had been so good, but she whinned the whole trip home, got sat down to do HW with only water and plain bread for her snack with a lecture of what some children must do for food when she complained plain bread was horrible (she ate it though and later begged and got some of DS,2's PBJ from him) complained during most of HW and then G. got home and she was taken to her room for quiet time. After awhile and a chat with Daddy "good girl" returned and stayed for the rest of the night.
Sat Morning, 5 am
I just gave up sleeping and got dressed been very uncomfortable in bed, tossing and turning for the last 4-5 hours with intermittent sleep and then woke up from bad teaching dream at 4
I've gotten to do a bit of gardening, which has made me a bit happy. I planted up all my peppers in a seed tray last night, it's got a lid for a mini greenhouse effect plus some elephant garlic and a mini tray with 4 types of basil.
I'm actually kinda tired but afraid that if I try going back to bed I'll just toss and turn but having finished this I’m going to try.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Mother's Day
Yesterday was the most peaceful day i've had in ages, probably since Scotland.
I got marvelous cuddles from everyone, with some extra special love from DD,4. We all got dressed and ready for church without much fuss. I even got to do Ruth's hair up in butterfly braids. (5 mini braids looped around to make a kindof butterfly shape) We drove down to Seascale for church with Mum, and were only 10 min late :) Geoff, Ruth & Mum walked back to her house in sun while David and I drove back so that I could sneek in the Bailey's Choclate Cake with Bailey's sour cream ganache that we had made for Mum into the house and hide it. I had even been able to make a quick card for her during the children's sunday school class (using the theme of the day of course, Samuael chooses David to be King.) All of my craft supplies are still buried in the flat due to the decorating so I could not make her a proper one.
Ws had a gorgeous meal of Roast Chicken with Albert's bacon and Sausages, Cabbage, carrots and roast potatos with canberry sauce and gravy on the side. YUM! But no pudding as G had "arranged" for her not to make one so we were both surprized when not only did G present Mum with her cake, but Ruth and David brought in a cake that they had made and decorated for me.
I wanted a black circle frame on my cake, but it's taking to long and I can't figure out how to do it. so tough.
Anyways, after the boys did the dishes we adjurned to the living room for cuppa and had a wonderfully relaxing afternoon. I had my seed binder (which is huge... I need a better system) and was intermittently working on organising my garden notes while we talked, Geoff read Dad's computer magazines and we all played with the kids. I was struggling with pain thoroughout but felt so peaceful that 1. I didn't feel the need to pretend I wasn't and 2. I felt so relaxed and comfortable that I moved to Dad's recliner after he went to work on his engineering bug and just rested/dozed while enjoying Motherhood/watching the kids play and thanking God for these most beautiful blessings/and occasionally getting cuddles with one of them.
I also made sure to thank Christine for being such a wonderful Mother-in-law/Mum; I truly don't think they come any better than Christine.
God Bless!
I got marvelous cuddles from everyone, with some extra special love from DD,4. We all got dressed and ready for church without much fuss. I even got to do Ruth's hair up in butterfly braids. (5 mini braids looped around to make a kindof butterfly shape) We drove down to Seascale for church with Mum, and were only 10 min late :) Geoff, Ruth & Mum walked back to her house in sun while David and I drove back so that I could sneek in the Bailey's Choclate Cake with Bailey's sour cream ganache that we had made for Mum into the house and hide it. I had even been able to make a quick card for her during the children's sunday school class (using the theme of the day of course, Samuael chooses David to be King.) All of my craft supplies are still buried in the flat due to the decorating so I could not make her a proper one.
Ws had a gorgeous meal of Roast Chicken with Albert's bacon and Sausages, Cabbage, carrots and roast potatos with canberry sauce and gravy on the side. YUM! But no pudding as G had "arranged" for her not to make one so we were both surprized when not only did G present Mum with her cake, but Ruth and David brought in a cake that they had made and decorated for me.
I wanted a black circle frame on my cake, but it's taking to long and I can't figure out how to do it. so tough.
Anyways, after the boys did the dishes we adjurned to the living room for cuppa and had a wonderfully relaxing afternoon. I had my seed binder (which is huge... I need a better system) and was intermittently working on organising my garden notes while we talked, Geoff read Dad's computer magazines and we all played with the kids. I was struggling with pain thoroughout but felt so peaceful that 1. I didn't feel the need to pretend I wasn't and 2. I felt so relaxed and comfortable that I moved to Dad's recliner after he went to work on his engineering bug and just rested/dozed while enjoying Motherhood/watching the kids play and thanking God for these most beautiful blessings/and occasionally getting cuddles with one of them.
I also made sure to thank Christine for being such a wonderful Mother-in-law/Mum; I truly don't think they come any better than Christine.
God Bless!
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Rough Patch
Yesterday was very bad. Once I finished updating the Blog and Dad had checked it worked I went to bed very tired, only to find the bed soaked with sweat and G very wet and clammy. Also the sheets are burred, old poly/cotton mix which now irritates my very sensitive skin so I toossed turned, tried reading and 2 hours later finally drifted into a very poor slumber only to be woken an hour later by DS,2 playing with my hair again, bless him. Manged to get us dressed by 10:45 but I was barely mobile, very foggy and in a lot of pain. Geoff showed up as planned and took us all to the hostipal for an appointment with the pedatric surgern. I managed, slowly, to walk to the entrance and give David's name by which time I was so wobbley that G had to get me a wheel chair. For the rest of the day I was only able to walk 5-15 steps without wobling and spent the rest of the day either sitting or in bed. Happily I slept very well for the first time in weeks it seems.
This morning I woke around 11 am very confused at the lack of having my hair played with. DS,2 was at nursery and G was home as he is working short weeks this month while he sorts himself out. I needed a knee brace but otherwise felt full of energy by the time I had dressed but in the kitchen making drinks I keeled and found I had to sit for the afternoon. Time and again I tried getting up to do things and repeatedly was driven back down by lack of energy. Very depressing and at the worst I hooked out my devotional and did 2 sections with G. That and prayer helped me accept my thorns. G took my garden reclining chair that I brought over from Amer. last summer and I enjoyed a long hour sitting in the sun in our allotment alternating pure resting with taking notes on my seeds for planting this year. G brought out the mower after getting DD,4 from school and started that. I tried digging a bed and managed a 2-3 foot section before suggesting a trade with G figuring I was better taking the less energitic job. Taking frequent 2-5 min breaks we got the job done, I threw a bunch of broad beans to grow as green manure in the freshly dug bed and I harvested some purple and green kale and purple sprouting broccoli that was lovely in G's prawn stirfry as well as some purple Brussel Sprouts that sadly were overcooked. After a lecture about whinning that included that mention of DS,2 getting "a Dora" video while she went to bed early and some crying we had a lovely time with a very good DD,4 while DS,2 had many trips to the naughty step for hitting, kicking etc... Ruth. He's really becoming a bruiser but immediately he apologises very well and gives her a lovely cuddle. Hopefully this will be a short phase.
That's all for now.
This morning I woke around 11 am very confused at the lack of having my hair played with. DS,2 was at nursery and G was home as he is working short weeks this month while he sorts himself out. I needed a knee brace but otherwise felt full of energy by the time I had dressed but in the kitchen making drinks I keeled and found I had to sit for the afternoon. Time and again I tried getting up to do things and repeatedly was driven back down by lack of energy. Very depressing and at the worst I hooked out my devotional and did 2 sections with G. That and prayer helped me accept my thorns. G took my garden reclining chair that I brought over from Amer. last summer and I enjoyed a long hour sitting in the sun in our allotment alternating pure resting with taking notes on my seeds for planting this year. G brought out the mower after getting DD,4 from school and started that. I tried digging a bed and managed a 2-3 foot section before suggesting a trade with G figuring I was better taking the less energitic job. Taking frequent 2-5 min breaks we got the job done, I threw a bunch of broad beans to grow as green manure in the freshly dug bed and I harvested some purple and green kale and purple sprouting broccoli that was lovely in G's prawn stirfry as well as some purple Brussel Sprouts that sadly were overcooked. After a lecture about whinning that included that mention of DS,2 getting "a Dora" video while she went to bed early and some crying we had a lovely time with a very good DD,4 while DS,2 had many trips to the naughty step for hitting, kicking etc... Ruth. He's really becoming a bruiser but immediately he apologises very well and gives her a lovely cuddle. Hopefully this will be a short phase.
That's all for now.
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